How perfect is it that it’s Scorpio season, that I’m a scorpio, and I feel like I am about to go through my biggest death as of yet, just when I thought I couldn’t handle anymore. The guilt that is coursing through my body is immense. My heart feels heavy .
I want to shout out to Amber Khan because she just made me realize some shit about myself and now I feel like I am going to die, but I know I will be better for it because only the love will be left. I can’t remember if she said that or if that was something on instagram either way I hope it’s true.
Anyways, I realize my whole story is a crock of shit. I just listened to Amber Khan’s podcast episode on Revolution Ramblings that talks about a hater that she had. It is called Love, Light and Entitlement. I realize how entitled I am. How entitled I’ve been at all these jobs I’ve told you about… I thought that I should have just as many friends as Lauren did. But why? I categorized her as a narcissist, when in reality it was me.
I preached love and light and listened to Abraham Hicks, but now I realize that’s not the way to go about things. I can’t just push out whatever is bothering me about the world to focus on myself. I need to live from my soul. Do what my soul says is right.
I feel dead.
I feel like maybe Lauren was right all along?
I’ve been feeling so high and mighty ever since I decided something was just wrong with her, but maybe it was me who was unhinged? Why couldn’t I have just brushed it off when she called me a goody goody? I didn’t have boundaries with her. Lauren was just being Lauren and I had to diagnose her with NPD in my head just to get around the fact that I was reacting poorly to the situation at hand.
I feel a cascading effect playing through my heart and mind, noticing how my other relationships are similar to my faults with Lauren. I feel alone and sad.
I know now, instinctively, that there are better things coming, but I feel remorse and a disbelief in myself that there are only more things to uncover about myself that I will soon come to dislike.