When I want to write sometimes I get this heavy feeling in my chest. I think that it means that I don’t believe in what I am doing. It means that I don’t believe in myself. It means that I don’t think I can do it. That I think I’m stupid for trying. I wish the feeling would go away but the more I resist it the more it persists. I asked for help. I wanted to understand the feeling more so I asked my angels to help me clarify it. They clarified it in the way I just described above. It helped to verbalize it-put words to my arbitrary bad feelings that just made me not want to do “it” I asked some more questions after. I asked them to help me believe in myself and they brought ideas of things I had done or ways in which I had improved into my mind.
That was helpful and it gave me just enough of a boost to write this post for you. I still feel weird. Almost like I am not worthy of doing anything for you. How could I be?
I hate how we are all so programmed to not believe in ourselves. It makes me so angry. Almost like I could reach through the screen and just shake you and tell you how fucking awesome you are, how awesome I am. I am inspired. I want to believe in myself. Maybe if I can believe in myself then you can believe in yourself too.
I told my angels that I was afraid that it wouldn’t last. I still am. But I feel empowered still. When I focus on the empowerment it feels even stronger. It was concentrated on my right side and was coming up from just behind my shoulder blade and felt like it was rising in a dense block of air up towards my shoulder. On the other side of my body, on the left, I felt a tense and nervous energy around. It was weird. Opposing forces almost. I wanted desperately to focus on my right side but my fear of focusing on the left was adding to it.
Why am I not powerful enough to control it? I angered.
I put on angry songs on Youtube and let my fingers decide where to take me. A car pulled out of my driveway 4775 I read on the license plate. A reminder from my angels making me angry when normally I like to give up thanks. “I hate everything about you” plays through my headphones that I randomly had decided to use. It felt great. I hardly ever listened to this song. I didn’t know who it was by but I had heard it and it brought me back to a small casual ski building we used to go to on Friday nights.
I thought about how I should listen to songs like it more often for the way it is making me feel in the moment. I sipped my organic drink with a steady confident and calm arm, wiping an itch on my upper lip with a steady masculine thumb. I am a woman just to clarify but suddenly my thumb felt very masculine and tending with its unwavering and steady detailed attention to my upper lip.
Nervousness crept up again on the left side of my throat. Where to go next. It was because of how much I liked those words flew that out of my consciousness. My unique way of describing my nervousness transitioning to calm and confident made me excited. Made me interested.
I think of ways to reach you. To make them you that I know what you know, that I feel what you feel…
A new beat comes on my Youtube playlist and it amps me up. I am distracted momentarily by my man telling me something and drinking mountain dew, shirtless from a 2 liter out of the fridge. My eyes linger around the top of his shorts near his stomach and I’m momentarily excited by my natural response.
I realized the song now playing was the one that goes, and now you do what they told you. Now you do what they told you. It makes me even happier than I was. Like a release and connection to this young guy singing with everything he had. I have that too, I thought. I liked feeling it and feeling the resonance it brought. It made me feel alive. I nodded my head and tried to keep the feeling going.
Is this good? Am I doing good like my angels wanted? They said that if I wanted good then I must do good, but I had an instant of panic thinking that maybe what I was doing wasn’t good. I reassured myself, how can’t it be if it is authentic? It sort of worked, but the angry music was more powerful and suddenly I felt guilty for being angry. It made me nervous. I compulsively changed it.
I typed ‘Reassuring songs’ into Youtube and found a new playlist. I admired how you could be so specific .. I had never realized it until then. I noted what a helpful tool it was.
A guy was singing about doing his purpose and it was instantly helpful and reassuring.
…illuminating all i know to be true. All will be well even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself. ….
It reminds me of what I felt towards the end of my walk. To be of use and to put in some hard work to try to do what I came ‘here’ to do. I am determined. Determined to reach you again. To shake you up. Shake myself up. I had said that writing about it all might make me feel better and that it also might be of use to someone. I’m not sure if the latter will be true, but the song is telling me that all in time will be well. All will be well. He says you can ask him how but only time will tell. I admired how time is our friend friends. A constant tool in empowering ourselves. In knowing that we are worth it. In being purposeful loving confident beings. I am again grateful.