The day had started out slow. I realized haphazardly that I needed to center myself. I quickly turned my attention to my emotions to start to try and get balanced. I noticed I needed some time for myself before jumping into the problems of others. I went to my yoga mat and stretched and lamented over negative emotions until I found some contentment and hope. I sauntered back into the kitchen to make a smoothie which I felt inspired to do immediately after quieting my mind. I hurriedly put all my components into the stalky plastic container before my buzz of inspiration wore off, expecting worse emotions to file back in like water in a leaky raft. The smoothie finished mixing and I panicked momentarily and soothed the panic by opening up my blinds and sipping on the blue goop through my straw. I picked up some trash lying around until I decided I was in a minor funk nothing like a major funk which I dreaded immensely but a minor funk of short misery followed by an immediate need for satisfaction. I settled for making a bagel. Using a dirty frying pan on the stove. My fiancé squawking in the background like a baby bird also wanting to be fed.
The bagel was good it satisfied a need inside me for carbs and comfort. A bagel said what my angels were trying to say, it’s okay, keep going, nothing fancy, here’s some energy.
I had been okay. Maybe a little too fancy and obsessive over my need to be on the right path. I was aware of this and tried to regularly schedule in rests throughout the day. More keen than ever on knowing my body and my mind and when they were wearing down. My angels had told me to clean up my apartment. Get rid of stale and stagnant energies they had said.
I spent most of the weekend and the beginning of the week doing just that. They said they don’t like to be around stagnant energies which I don’t blame them, we usually have a pizza box or two lying around and the apartment hadn’t been dusted since at least last spring and the weather was turning colder by the day. It felt good doing what I was supposed to be doing. But I couldn’t help but think I was being a little obsessive about it.
My mind whirled back to my therapist, Margaret, asking when we had just met if I had ever been diagnosed with OCD and this had surprised the hell out of me. I couldn’t help but feel like she was spot on though. And as time went on with her I, granted, created more problems for myself than necessary. (With the help of the law of attraction and my obsessing) Margaret would always sit me down to do some tapping.
I’d tap the inside of my right hand with my left fingertips and say three times, even though I obsess about —fill in the blank—I totally love and accept myself.
I kept going, tapping different pressure points in my face until I felt the release of some emotion. It was like a balloon expanding and expanding in my chest until it gradually fell down. Knowing I could keep going, but surprised by how much air I could hold in my body at one time, I would release it prematurely anticipating the great sensesation of the release my exhale now held.
It felt so good to finally be in tune with my own breath. Like my angels kept telling me it let me know that I was on the right track. After getting back from my month long retreat in China, I knew everything was going to be okay as long as I trusted that I was on the right path.
Both the experience at NDX with Melanie and Zoe and the experience on the coast with Lauren and others made me begin to realize that I was creating these situations for myself. I needed to become aware of myself. Become aware of my sensibilities. Become aware of how I was relating to people and my own hidden insecurities.
I became a navigator of my own heart. Once doing this I was able to see others clearly and without so much hate and pessimism. I was able to mitigate my own pain and the way I reacted to certain situations.
I was able to sense when I was reacting out of hurt and attribute it to past hurt and unresolved relationships. For so long I hadn’t realized that deep down I believed that I shouldn’t be accepted by other women. Furthermore I believed that they owed me something more. It wasn’t until I recognized this pattern in myself that I was able to set healthy boundaries and start to create a healthy relationship with myself first, and then others.
It would soon come to follow that I would buy my first home with my fiancé and trip on acid together. I had never done it and neither had my third eye. Let’s just say I saw myself even more clearly after that experience. The real hurt and panic that plagued my heart that I tried to run away from. It was real and I had been taking it out on everyone around me. If not directly, than in my mind. I’d find faults in other people so I wouldn’t have to look at my own shit. I found out how truly scared I was to let myself be loved. And I believed because of how hurt I was that I wasn’t even humanly capable of loving.
Although it took me many weeks to finally get over my trip on LSD I was begrudgingly thankful I had had it. Fear had encapsulated me to the point where I believed I was the only help for the world itself. That if I couldn’t have hope that we would all be doomed to evil.
A lot of pressure to be under, right?
Well since then I’ve gotten my hope back and not just that, but my faith too.
It can be scary when the illusion of reality that you created for yourself is slipping away from you. You frantically want to build it back up for yourself to impede change, but you know you can’t. You just have to keep going. Keep self-realizing. Keep pushing to be as honest with yourself as possible. Because if we don’t do that, can we really go anywhere in life that we are meant to? Can we serve others if we ourselves are in-genuine? Can we be a light for others if we are a false light?
I urge you to take a good strong look in the mirror. Stop believing you’re good when you’re not. You may be part good but also part evil and you need to acknowledge that and eschew it and seek good. Read the Bible, the chronological one is the best and easiest to understand in my opinion. Become a true beacon through God for others in, at times, a dim world.