Chapter Twenty-Six

Time to increase my frequency, Hands of light and bodies talking, yeah, Give me some of that wild fox medicine, But keep me here in this wild present tense…”

– Nahko and Medicine for the People

The sun is shining off the water, the work is getting done, yet inside me lied a volcano. A volcano of stress and emotions wanting to burst out. Each conversation-starter from a coworker lending more fuel to the fire. Surges of anxiety and overwhelment become not what I feel, but who I am. My angel cards tell me that meditation and yoga are key to my success and it only further progresses my anxiety. I wanted to run and scream and rip off all of my clothes that weren’t fitting my body right. I wanted to scream.

There were days where I would hear Lauren talking happily in the other room and I’d everything in my power to not let it under my skin, but it still would. In the afternoons, I would put my headphones in at my desk and blast my music as high as it could go and enter data. Muffling her whole fasad out of my experience. Not wanting to again analyze the fake ways in which she was acting towards Harold and everybody else who came into the lab.

I’d finish my task as quickly as I could and grab my jacket calmly while simultaneously avoiding a line of inquiry from Angela. Quickness and deliberateness always did the trick on that front.  I was finally out the door and feeling safe.

I’d have a couple things I could choose from on my breaks.

Either do the good thing and go on a walk or do the bad thing and comfort myself with yet more pizza. I did that more days than not, but at least I never turned to alcohol while I was at work. I was tempted a couple of times when the days were really bad. One time I went to a beach nearby and contemplated getting some nips or beer. Then another time Jay’s friend, Kyle, had just started working in the same town and he said that he went to a restaurant during his lunch and would get beers. I was tempted to meet him there once but never mustered up the courage.

When I opted for the healthy option I’d walk down the dirt road that lead me to the ocean. My oasis away from work. A sanctuary of sorts. The road went by a beautiful outlook where you could sit on the rocks, usually undisturbed. I loved walking down there for most part. I’d even pretend that I was at the beach somewhere else and jump from rock to rock and look in all the little tide pools.

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Other times I resented my walks because I knew I needed to do them for my inner peace and mental health. I’d feel ashamed for needing them. I developed more resentment towards myself during them too, wondering how I could still then be thinking about her amidst the beautiful scenery.

Some days were better than others, when my mind could be completely wiped clean, as soon as I stepped out the door into fresh ocean air. With continuation of faith I knew there was more for me in the world than the ins and outs of the social circle at my current place of employment. Sometimes there was a nice couple out walking their big black furry dog.  Every so often in the summer, I’d see them outside their house with their dogs up on their deck. They were nice and it always put a smile on my face to see them. Other days I’d go into awe of the massive pine trees that surrounded me or I’d gently admire the slow trickle of water down sloping rocks that I’d force myself to forget about everything else. Those days I’d go back to the lab feeling renewed and energized and proud.

Other days it would take everything in me not to cry. And some days I did just that. I’d focus on how much I hated the job, feel bad for myself and continually sob into my hands on the cold hard rock guarding my face with my hood.

Changing my situation took place on those days. No matter if the day brought tears or a gentle smile it was what I needed to bring about change. I was working through my emotions which lead to more positive emotion and therefore more positive opportunities for myself and my journey.

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