Chapter Thirty

It was September of the same year. I went to see my sister’s best friend and my sister out in Colorado. I had hung out a bunch of times with my sister’s best friend and love her. I could be so bold to even call her my friend.

I had never been to Colorado before and I was excited. Plus Amber had basically gotten me a free ticket with her bonus air miles. I felt really awkward about going though, even though I was really looking forward to it. I hadn’t talk to Amanda before going. I just talked to my sister who was obviously in touch with Amanda.  I didn’t really know how Amanda felt about me coming so I kind of assumed the worst, even though my sister had said she wanted me to come.

When I landed I gave her a big hug, but the anxiousness hit me like a ton of bricks. In the backseat the lights of Denver buzzed all around me contrasted by the dark night sky. They pointed out Mile High Stadium and reminded me that we were at a higher altitude. They asked me questions and I answered in short nervous bursts. We decided to go to a bar nearby where she lived.  I anxiously anticipated the beer, which now I can give myself compassion for. I was a wreck emotionally. I hadn’t been as balanced as I like to stay nowadays. I got a Bud Light and Amanda had gotten something heavier. My anxiety gave me thoughts that weren’t ideal, like, Oh, that was stupid, she’s so much better than you. [for ordering a heavier beer (not like I never drink heavy beers)]It reeled through my mind as I found myself stuck into an anxious rut riddled with self-doubt.

We sat down at the bar and I conjured up the idea full fledged at this point that Amanda didn’t really like me by this point. She just didn’t seem like herself and I felt like she was angry about something. Simultaneously while nervously observing this in Amanda I was ridiculing myself for not being more excited to see her. I so desperately wanted to enthusiastically ask how she had been since her move out to Colorado. But I was worried that everything I said could be taken in the wrong way, so I got pretty silent and awkward.

When I finally talked I brought up that I had seen a conference that I was interested in was coming to Boston. I enthusiastically talked about it with Amber and don’t think I even bothered telling Amanda what it was about. I wanted to, but I felt paralyzed by my panic. I could tell she wasn’t that happy and I thought I knew it was because of me.

The next morning I felt like such a loser that I didn’t know what to do. I felt like Amanda didn’t like me and I was ridiculing myself for being so awkward and weird the night before. I was a mess. I was completely obsessing over every little thing I had said or had done or didn’t say or didn’t do.

Amber, my sister, at one point, to help the conversation, had brought up Amanda’s sister and what she had been doing out in Colorado since she moved there. I had instantly felt ashamed for not asking about her or even about Amanda. What was wrong with me? I couldn’t help but feel judged and I projected that onto Amanda and Amber. I was so scared of how I would come off that I didn’t do anything for myself that I wanted to do. Fear had completely gripped me. I thought that if I hadn’t been accepted by Amanda that I really was the piece of trash that everyone at work kept saying I was.  It was a nightmare.

The next day I told Amber a little bit of the saga that was going on in my head. She told me I was fine. Amanda’s is awkward too, she insisted with a spunk resolution. That made me laugh. I let myself off the hook for the night before telling myself that work and the trip had me stressed out. I was still nervous to see Amanda after she got out of work. I was afraid that I would read into her thoughts and feelings too much. But I was able to try be there for myself and remember my resources that I had and enjoy myself for the rest of the trip.

Amber had booked us a redeye back. We had one layover together and then went seperate ways. One of us going to Maine and the other Florida. Amanda dropped us off at the airport and we tried to print our boarding passes at a little kiosk. All of a sudden a message popped up that said that we couldn’t check into our flight until 24 hours before take-off. I had thought it was weird at dinner that night when we hadn’t gotten a flight confirmation yet. We had talked about it a bunch and then Amber looked up the flight number and it still looked like it was coming in that night so we thought we were all set. Turns out our flight wasn’t until the next night!

We were happy we got to spend one more night at Amanda’s and hang out. At the airport Amber and I decided to go to a place with a bar and each ordered drinks. I think I got a Blue Moon. I told her about a place I had seen for rent in Wiscasset. I told her how much closer it would be to my work and I was pretty excited about it. She told me I should email him so I did.

I got back to work finally and explained the error to Harold. He seemed to believe me and I was relieved. I hadn’t had an extra vacation day so I think he let me use sick hours for it.

We ended up getting an email from the guy with the Wiscasset apartment. He wanted references and we decided to give our landlord as a reference. We told our landlord that we had used him as a reference and right away he was stressed about when we were planning to move out. I told him I didn’t know, and that we hadn’t heard anything else from this potential place but we were hoping by the first of November.

Our landlord ended up showing our trailer while we were still looking for a place and then emailed me that he had rented it! I was completely flustered and not finding anything to rent except in Bath where Jay, my fiance, really didn’t want to live because it is a small city.

We ended up finding a place in Bath that was more expensive than our trailer but everything was brand new. I was really excited because I had been talking with Margaret about making changes and I felt like living in Bath would give me more options. Plus I was able twenty minutes closer to work which really helped seeing as it was an hour drive before.


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