Chapter Thirty-Two

I started noticing more and more the way people worked. Because I didn’t really talk to Lauren anymore I had much more free time to just spend on my own. I started noticing all the little tactics Peter would use to stay “safe” in the lab. I noticed how sad he was. He had completely lost himself completely. He was a man of sixty and I thought about how guilty he might feel for abandoning his self all the time.

He was a nice guy. White hair, glasses, stooped a little when he walked. Usually wore t-shirts with ducks on them. He was funny. He had a weird sense of humor. But liked it, it brightened my day in a weird way. I found out one of my “strengths” was appreciation of beauty. I think that in a way, I naturally noticed the beauty in Peter. He wasn’t used to being noticed for that. He was used to being noticed for doing what he was ‘supposed’ to do. I think he appreciated me for recognizing the real and beautiful in him. I saw the child who hadn’t gotten the attention that he had deserved way back when.

In the lab, he’d talk badly about all the people that Lauren and Shannon disliked. He’d be supre nice

He would appeal to Lauren all the time. Look at me, look at me he would say in his own quirky way. Lauren never gave him the attention. She loved giving him just the right amount so she could still feel superior. But she’d give him extra if it were a time where she felt shaky in her own standing and needed to be secure in her allies.

Peter came in one morning joking with Angela next to me.  He said sarcastically, “well even if everyone else is bad, I will still be good.” Gleefully exclaiming something Mary had confided in him. Mary would naively still confide in Peter.

I hear you sister, reeled through my brain. I had thought about befriending Mary, but I didn’t really connect with her whenever we would talk. I thought about talking about Lauren with her too, but then surmised that I’d just do my own thing for a bit.

One of Jay’s and I’s favorite songs is by The Wood Brothers and is called Postcards from Hell. It goes “If you ask him why he sings his blues so well, he says I got a soul that I won’t sell,  I got a soul that I won’t sell, I got a soul that I won’t sell and I don’t read postcards from hell. ” The song resonated with me so deeply because even though I felt completely alone at work, I finally wasn’t selling my soul. It felt good knowing there were other people out there like me, I just had to find them.

Some days even in the winter I would sit out on the rocks and bundle myself up. Trying to get away from the toxic energy inside the lab. It was the constant waiting for the next shoe to drop.  There was a great sadness in me but it came with a great knowing in my heart. Somedays I would be feeling so good about myself that I would even skip down the dirt road singing, “That’s My Girl,” by Fifth Harmony playing on my iPhone. That song can really get me if I’m feeling empowered. All in all, I was able to feel a greatness inside of me from all of this, an appreciation for myself and how far I had come. If not from the strength to rise above with Lauren then from the strength in continuing to take that walk no matter what it would bring. For an effort to make myself happy. That was a love for myself that I had never known.

There was a point in time, though, where all I was focused on was how much I didn’t like my job. I didn’t have a whole lot of hope for anything else going on in my life. Margaret, my therapist, encouraged me that I needed something else to focus on, something else that I liked. She encouraged me to check out Reiki at a local place that had a workshop for five dollars because she knew I was interested in this type of thing. The first time I did Reiki on someone I was astounded at the feelings I could feel deep within each person. The leader of the workshop had said to try to mentally send the person love. When I did that I could automatically feel that person’s energy. It was magical. It was an energy out of nowhere. How had I I never known I could do this before? When I was sending love to the first gentleman that volunteered I was exploring how that felt. Then suddenly I noticed a huge wave and sense of worthlessness come over me. It had come from him. I had felt moments of worthlessness in my life for sure, but I had never felt it in this deep of a way before. I didn’t know it was possible to have this depth of worthlessness. I immediately felt compassion for him.

It was like each person after that had these well of emotions concentrated within different energy centers of their bodies. The next person would lie down on the table and again I would get distinct emotional energies, different from that of the last person. It felt like they were flowing through me. In my experience as a Reiki practitioner, it’s almost like emotions can be held captive, demanding attention in the form of knee pain or hip pain or shoulder pain. If they are ignored long enough they can cause even worse dis-eases in the body.

I could easily access the place that I found in my mind and my spirit that allowed me to feel these different emotions and energies. This is how I do Reiki. Others, like Rich, the teacher that I had in my first workshop, are clairvoyant.  Rich can literally see images in his mind’s eye when people are doing Reiki on him or when he is performing reiki on other people.

I had told him in my second workshop with him that after doing reiki on him, that I felt like I couldn’t shake off a feeling of pain in my chest. I had sensed that he had had something going on in his chest and had tried to send some better energies to the area.  Rich had said that when another woman and I had been working on his heart chakra in his chest that he had seen darkness going up to the light. This encouraged me. But I couldn’t shake the pain that was lingering in my chest after the session was over.

Rich told me that he would take care of it for me. He had me turn my back towards him and then did something back there. I wasn’t sure what. The pain dissipated gradually. I thanked him and he asked if I knew what he did. Confused I said that I wasn’t sure.

Another lady in the class, blond about forty years of age and whimsical chimed in.

“You put her wings back on,” saying it like she knew what he was going to say.

He agreed excitedly and said that he felt like he had to bring me back to myself. He started explaining it was almost like I had lost my wings, my essence and my personal power, so he got a vision to put my wings back on.

I felt so special. He would always tell me that I was awakening, and encouraged me to share the gift that I have with other people.



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