Chapter Thirty-Three

I liked that Rich was clairvoyant, but I felt guided to try and take my next class with someone else. I wanted to find someone that was clairsentient like me. So, I signed up for a class about an hour and a half south from where I lived. Unlike my other class where it was only me and Rich. (For the class and attunement- the workshop had other people there) But this new class had classmates and was taught in an actual classroom. It was very professional. The woman who ran it was named Brenda, and she called her program Angel Guided Hands.

After taking the second level of Reiki with this other group and doing the first level of Reiki with Rich, I was trying to offer Reiki services. Not too many people really seem interested though. After having gone, I can notice my own feelings better though. I’m sure that therapy has helped a ton with this too. I could start noticing when I was resisting a feeling. I could feel it start to rise in my throat. When I would notice that I was feeling resistance crop up in my throat I knew that I had something to release there. Either that or I had something I had to surrender to. It helped me better able to recognize and accept my own feelings.  I started noticing how it felt so good in my body when I let the feelings flow. It was like a whole new experience for me.

It was scary though. I felt like I would never know how big this well of fear would be that well of fear. I realize I had stored it up in my body that I was bringing to the forefront and finally acknowledging some of my fear for the first time. I would start to allow it but I was never sure how long it would last. I started doing this a lot on my way into work. I would pick a part of my body that was in pain or start with one of my chakras and work on sending love to that area. Then I would notice a certain feeling cropping up. I worked with fear a lot at first. I noticed fear would come up and instead of trying to push it away or trying to focus on something else I focused on the fear and on my breath and on sending love to replace that fear. It felt like a bit of a tug of war at first. And it was almost like I could feel the fear creeping up my neck and escaping through the top of my head at times. I even had some moments of extreme pleasure and lightheartedness in doing this. It was hard though. I never knew how long I would have to feel that set of fears or how big they would be or when it was the right time to stop. I kind of winged it. There was a time where I’d be able to acknowledge a certain feeling that I viewed as “stuck” in my heart and then it would move up towards my throat and I couldn’t get anything to move past my throat. It was really frustrating.

But I’ll tell you something it really opened me up. It opened my heart up. It let me feel fully accepted even with feeling these feelings that I so easily could make myself feel bad for. By accepting them it lead to growth and opportunity. I wanted so badly to be happy and sustain a level of happy feelings. The happy sensation felt so good in my body, but then I would start to feel resistance so I would have to become aware of it and ask myself what feeling I was resisting. And it would pop right up, Fear. I had not dealt with it. Before I could be happy I needed to deal with that fear. Margaret always told me, “well I think you have a lot of fear” and I wouldn’t know exactly what she meant. I would do some tapping about it, but I guess I didn’t realize the degree to which I had fear actually stored in my body, blocking the way for my happiness. There wasn’t enough room for it. It was like I couldn’t have one without the other. I could feel the hope of happiness and got tastes of it, but then I would feel a familiar tightness in my chest that told me I had something to deal with, and when I did, then I would feel even happier and lighter afterward.

By dealing with my fear I mean sitting with it for a while and acknowledging it. Multiple, multiple, multiple times! I’d figure out how it was moving in and out of my heart space up towards my neck and down towards my abdomen area. Once I gave it attention it was like it gently dissipated in some places and would pop up in other places. Some fears, even if I didn’t know what they were necessarily related to, I would recognize them in my body and they wouldn’t take long to dissipate. Of course, some of them were harder than others. Sometimes I would try to name them and other times I wouldn’t.  I would try to name whatever the negative emotion was. At times, because I was an emotional kindergarten, or so my therapist told me, I wouldn’t even know what the emotion was. This left me feeling frustrated. I just knew it felt bad. It took me a while after using this process until I was able to distinguish between feelings like shame and despair and guilt and fear versus just knowing that it didn’t feel good.

I would ask myself what I had been thinking about right before I had noticed the feeling in my body. I would notice that I had been thinking about how I hadn’t been accepted at work or how I felt guilty about being mean to Jay or what have you. If I knew why the emotion had cropped up I could tell myself that although this recent event may have triggered this feeling that it was okay I felt whatever level of whatever bad emotion it was that I was feeling. I’d tell myself that there may have been something else in my life that may also have contributed to this feeling that I still carry with myself. This enabled me to not shame myself for feeling whatever degree of emotion I was feeling. It could have been a feeling that I had carried my whole life with me and looked for ways to reinforce the negative thought pattern within myself. So, I gave myself time with each emotion. I could tell right away whether it would be an easy “one” or whether it would be harder to shift.

Sometimes an emotion felt completely unmovable. But with time I could start to feel peaceful even while feeling gut-wrenching despair or heartbreaking hurt and still be okay. This is how I began to heal.

I had been putting my own feelings aside to make other people happy without even realizing it. But I think I was also putting my feelings aside because I was too scared to deal with them or maybe didn’t know how. I was scared to let myself feel them because of how bad I knew I could make myself feel about them.

I would start to notice I could have moments of happiness in tandem with my fear. They all felt like a small successes to me. And they still feel like success to me. Every minute I’m alive and feeling genuinely good now, not just telling myself I feel good, is such a victory for me. It’s thrilling and inspiring. It is real and authentic and scary but also brilliant and fun and all-knowing in a way. It feels like love. This is what love felt like.

Not that I didn’t have people in my life that loved me. I very much did. But I don’t think I ever was truly open to receiving their love, to receiving it in my body and realizing that I was truly worthy of it.



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