Chapter Thirty-Six

I hadn’t really realized the immensity of the huge amount of anger that I let myself release. I had been holding it in and repressing it. Believing, for some reason, that a ‘good person’ shouldn’t be angry. Believing that I was above it. As more anger was released it created more space. Space that I realized could be filled with whatever I wanted to fill it with or was able to fill it with. Whether it be joy or hopefulness or excitement. It made way for me to allow new positive emotions into my body and my spirit.

I had been telling Margaret how I felt really insecure because I was worried that I had been being ‘mean’ to Lauren as of late. Everytime I wanted to do something for myself and instead of for her, I couldn’t shake off the guilt that would come with the association afterward.

Around the time where I was moving on from the friendship and starting to do more and more things for myself, Lauren had tried to start a conversation with me. She started by asking me how my sister was, something we used to talk about alot. I told her she was good. I had even been pleasant with her, but I ended the conversation quickly. I didn’t feel that she was really deserving of knowing details of my personal life.

I always try to figure out why she was the way she was. It could have been that she was unaware of the hurt that she caused me. It never felt great giving her the benefit of the doubt though.

What I cherished the most was that I finally, instinctively felt, that deserved better than her and the form of friendship that she had to offer. I was beyond grateful for that. It felt better having no one, than it felt having a relationship with her.

Although it didn’t feel like it at the time, what I was doing was opening myself up to possibilities. I was more open to positive experiences immediately once I decided to be done with her. I didn’t have too many positive experiences right off the bat. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I was still grieving. Maybe because I still wasn’t very sure of myself. Or maybe it was because I still felt undeserving of anything truly positive.

Its challenging to just write these words for you. The barrage of emotions that are coming at me seems laughable. A task, so simple in my mind, to summarize my experiences for you, seems to lend itself to stress and poor focus. Breathing helps along with looking around at my yard.

That week I had spoken to my therapist about the guilt I was feeling from closing off to Lauren. I knew I had been feeling bad at work, but it wasn’t until speaking to Margaret that  I realized how scared and guilty I felt about shutting her out of my life.

I told Margaret about how Lauren had tried to start a conversation with me and about how I ended the conversation quickly. She heard about how I was worried that I should have given Lauren more of my time, and how I just didn’t want to be friends with her. I couldn’t tell if Margaret approved of my reactions or not by the look of judgement on her face, which was unusual of her. I was worried I was just being too ridiculous and reactive.  I asked Margaret if she thought I should be friendlier with Lauren, while reminding her that I was friendly with her, friendly enough at least.

Margaret reassured me saying that, no, if I didn’t want to be friends with Lauren then I didn’t have to.  I went on to say that I was scared that I was being a bitch. She noticed that I kept  saying the word bitch in referring to myself.

“What do you mean by being a bitch? A strong independent woman who lives by her ideals?”

In her saying that I realized I had nothing to be scared of. I realized I had every right to live by my ideals, and if not live by them, then at least not be best friends with someone who lived by their antithesis.  She gave me the confidence and hope for better, and helped me believe for myself that I was enough on my own.

Now I want to tell you about a magic moment that happened with angel cards directly after our conversation. Margaret had suggested that I pull some angel cards on the topic while she excused herself to go to the bathroom.

I fanned the deck, but the cards were so big I could never shuffle through them very well. To get a good feeling on them I decided to split the deck into three sections. Then I fanned through each section to try to feel for the perfect one.

I fanned through the first section and using my intuition and my heart space I automatically found the one that felt like it was the card I was meant to see. I can only explain it as a sensation in my heart. I had decided not to choose three cards like we usually did together, instead, I chose one card. Margaret commented on it, but I thought one card was enough to deal with any lingering bad feelings about Lauren so we flipped it over.

On the other side of the card was an angel named Bridgette.

Below is the description given by Doreen Virtue for this card.

“You’ve asked for heavens guidance, and it is given. This situation isn’t right for you. Some vital information has been concealed, so you will need to dig deeper and ask more questions of those involved. Trust your gut feelings, since that is how I [as well as your other angels, guides, and Heavenly protectors] communicate with you.

Please don’t worry that the situation is the only opportunity available to you. It isn’t! There is something better waiting for you, but first, you will have to free yourself. Remember that ‘nature abhors a vacuum’. So, you must create a vacuum, and then the new situation will reveal itself. Clearly, it takes courage and faith to leave the situation that you had a vested interest in. You may feel disappointed in the trade. That is why you must call upon me and your other Angels to help you stay strong and true to yourself. You deserve situations that are aligned with love, and you don’t have to settle for anything less.

Margaret enthused about how I couldn’t have gotten clearer guidance than that.  I was grateful knowing that I always receive the best guidance from angel cards. They were, and still are a little reassurance that I am on the right track and right to feel what I feel.

I needed to stay strong and true to myself and they confirmed that for me. Yes, I had vested interest in the “relationship” I had built with her, but I had to believe there was better out there for me. I knew I couldn’t fall back into old thinking patterns. I needed to know and believe I was enough just by myself. No matter what anyone else thought.

Work continued and I’d have days that were excruciating even though a lot of time had passed. While at work, I journaled to soothe myself, using the notes section on my iPhone. I wrote about how I felt pressured to be positive and how I thought I could put a little too much pressure on myself at times.

I wrote about how badly I wanted to leave that job and how I felt like such a loser there and how uncomfortable that made me. I really wanted to be friends with this new woman in our lab who was instantly my new role model. She worked for Angela. We will call her Erin. She had twin girls and was maybe about 32 or 33 if I had to guess.  She had the most grace I had ever seen in a human being, she was kind and caring but also had strict boundaries to protect her energy. I found myself constantly comparing myself to her, wishing I was more like her with her strong and what appeared to be easy self-confidence and effortless compelling assertiveness.

I was scared that if I tried to be friends with her that it would be like me manipulating her to take my side. I was scared that I felt like I had to just blurt out what happened with Lauren so that she understood why I acted so weird around the office. So that she understood who I was and that I wasn’t the crabby person that walked around all the time.

Not that I was crabby all the time. I tried to make myself feel better by saying that maybe I didn’t necessarily act weird around the office, even though I know I did. Plus one time Peter went and whined to Abby right when she had started. I overheard him saying something to her about me after I had lost my temper with him. I tried not to get too down on myself for losing my temper with him but he was always talking about me with Lauren. He had come into the room where I was working one day and trying to busy myself. He said something to the extent that gave the impression he didn’t know why I was doing what I was doing because it didn’t really need to be done. I gave some kind of blasé response.

I wanted to do what felt right in each moment and what felt like me. I reassured myself that I was learning how to do this, but I wasn’t where I wanted to be as far as my self-confidence went. I wanted so badly to start doing more of what made me feel good.

I told myself that I was living life for me and I that I would learn lessons along the way and make mistakes, but that life went on.

A part of me was scared to do what would make me happy because of other people’s judgments. But that pattern of thinking caused me to be in a permanent state of not feeling good. I wouldn’t take any action to feel better because it might cause me to feel worse. Well then what could cause me to feel better? I had to try.

It felt hard balancing how I thought I should be versus how I wanted to be. I wanted so badly to focus on my divine purpose like my angels kept telling me. I wanted to believe it and have faith in it and in myself and in my angel(s), but it was challenging not obsessing over my self-confidence or random other distractions.

On the bad days I would always find solace in gas station pizza for lunch. It became a problem though. Relying on food to deal with my stress. I’d bring in a healthy lunch and then by the time lunch rolled around I’d convince myself that I needed that pizza. Then I would feel shame about it. This went on for a while, but I tried telling myself I deserved that pizza like I had deserved those cigarettes when Sarah and I became frenemies. I deserved that pizza because I was trying to make a better life for myself, and yes, that brought up a ton of crappy emotions that I had never dealt with so it was okay to rely on support. I was also trying to wean myself off of the excessive amounts of alcohol and going through the grieving process for that too. When my fiance went out, I stayed in. Even though I knew it would feel good to go out.

Having the pizza felt like the constant nagging in my brain finally was gagged. I wanted pizza and I ate it, this was me being me unapologetically. Although it wasn’t the most healthy thing to have for lunch everyday, it was my, stage one version of being there for myself.

 

 

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