February 9th, 2016
Hmm, what to say, where to start. I’m at work, going to call my mom later for her birthday! I’m drinking a smoothie with two huge carrots, mixed berries, a little raspberry yogurt and some frozen banana, it was yummy. I’m sad today. I keep comparing myself to Olivia on the Bachelor in my head. I wish that would stop. Everyone hated her and I can empathize with her and that makes me think that maybe I’m like her? She was going on last night how she was having a lot of realizations lately, basically that she was an introvert, but I don’t know she was weird about it, saying she’s very in tune with her body and such. I think I can relate to her in the way she was saying that she is starting to be in tune with her body and that’s not a terrible thing. Now I am scared I won’t get along with people at work because I’m kind of weird like her I don’t know. No that’s not true, I am not weird. I am me and I love me! Phew got through that!! That was kind of magical! Journaling does help!
… Just got a bunch of stuff done in the lab and get to leave at 330 because I got the process water this morning. Had a little bit of a revelation because I was getting stressed in the lab even though there’s not anyone here and it’s a chill day. I was getting mad at myself for a couple stupid things like losing count counting plates and for getting upset with myself for being stressed, but I have made progress because before at NDX it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind that I was stressed even though that’s the most stressed I’ve ever been in my life. So, in conclusion, I am becoming much more aware and that is when changes start happening. Rome wasn’t built in a day!
I had great moments of positivity at times when I would journal. It would kind of let me tune into myself and into what I was feeling. It also naturally guided me to more positive and optimistic outlooks on things and situations, and helped me realize when I was being obsessive and hard on myself.
I was getting a lot of 456 numerology angel messages at the time. This told me about practicality and determination to achieve goals. These changes have been divinely guided, the number says. Any concerns and or fears should be told to the angels for transmutation and healing. I realize now and I think partly realized during this time that my angels were encouraging my spiritual growth, my increased awareness and my overall general well balanced being. They were encouraging me that the spirituality I was bringing into my life, along with the changes I was making in therapy were all divinely guided.
You can see, and will be able to tell further with my next journal entry from this time period, that I still had some psychosis going on. I was so afraid of everyone in my new building turning against me that I became a puppet for whoever I had to. I even turned watching one of my favorite shows, The Bachelor, into finding ways where I could better myself and become part of the larger group. I was desperately afraid of being singled out and of not fitting in, but maybe I was never meant to fit in.
The changes I was going through in therapy helped me be able to be there for myself and show compassion to myself when I desperately needed it. I was living out of fear most of the time and was unable to find any lasting peace. It wasn’t until I started recognizing my emotions on a day to day, minute by minute basis where I really started to heal and become the positive person God intended for me to be.