Journal Entry- October 31st, 2015
I am going to keep my head up. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Margaret keeps telling me that. Writing does help me clear my thoughts. I am making so much progress! Still, a lot to release, but at least I realize this. My aim is to be a little more accepting of people. Realize not everyone is out to get me that way I can savor moments a little more. It’s been hard for me to trust people in the past I guess. It’s starting to get easier for me though. I trust Lauren and that’s a big step for me. So, I’m very proud of myself for that. I willing to trust myself a little more. I try to be nice when possible. I feel a lot of fear. I will be willing to release the fear as it comes. I’m not superwoman. I need to breathe, let go and let be. This helps. I want to be more accepting and tolerant of others. Try to not feel sad when I start to feel guilty and like a failure and remember that it is all progress. Find the things that I find joy in. distance myself from negativity.
At work on Monday we learned that our boss, Tammy, would be leaving the department for the Department of Agriculture.
I liked my boss, but Lauren would always say terrible things about her. It made me uncomfortable. Things like how awful she was and how she is only nice on Friday’s. She was happy to see her go and she smirked at the small number of people at her going away pizza party. Saying how pitiful it was that there weren’t more people there for having worked there for almost ten years. But I thought Tammy was nice and I was one of those 10 people at her pizza party. Sure, I thought, she didn’t have in-depth conversations with everyone in the building, but I always saw her joking around with people and she was always wicked sweet and fun to be around. It bothered me that my new friend Lauren didn’t like Tammy. It felt like a red-flag.
Work was nice after that because we fucked off a lot. Our new boss had become Harold and he was too busy to notice where we were most of the time. Harold had been promoted into Tammy’s job as the new head of our lab when Tammy had left. Harold was now always in and out of meetings and Lauren naturally looked down on him anyways.
We were both into adult coloring books at the time and she had brought a bunch in for coloring at her desk. One day she told me I should come color with her. We colored for a good hour, neither of us counting it as our lunch. She had a little area about 4 feet by 3 feet for her two desks. The small desks were arranged so that there was one facing to the right and another one facing to the left. The one to the right held her computer and we both sat at the empty one where she usually just kept snacks and stuff. She had a picture of her and her husband at Sedona that I would look at sometimes when I was setting up my samples. It was right at my eyeline and if I turned my head to the left to look out the window to the harbor I would see it. In between samples we had two minutes where our filters would sterilize and she’d go back to her desk and look at Pinterest and I’d go back to mine in the room over and look at Pinterest.
We started using our Y memberships to go to the local Y near work for an hour long lunch break. We decided to do one of those classes that had the straps hanging from the wall. It was fun. Lauren was constantly falling in and out of the straps and we were laughing with each other about how weird and hard the class was.
It was fun and we’d take our time to get back to the lab which, admittedly, did make me a little anxious. But having her on my side made me feel invincible. Like even if our boss saw us walking in together It’d be completely fine. She had her ways to deal with him. She’d always go and talk to him about his family when we got back or about something more personal going on in his life. Then we’d eat lunch quietly at our separate desks or she’d go off somewhere in the building talking to other people and be gone for another couple hours.
On our car rides into work together, Lauren had started talking about things that were more personal. How much she had changed since she moved from Arizona. How she had to marry a good man to keep her in control. How she used to be addicted to drugs. How she had found yoga and that had balanced her life. She continued on with the subject of anxiety. She asked me a lot of questions about my last job. Why was it so bad at my last job? I confessed to her that I wasn’t really liked. I really wanted her to know how much I struggled with anxiety too for some reason because I thought it was cool we had it in common. She revealed to me that a similar thing had happen to her. One day she was friends with these two girls at her old job and then they just stopped being friends with her.
Peter began to work in our lab, taking Harold’s now vacant position of half field sampler/half lab tech. He was about 60 years old, thin with glasses and a white mustache. He was nice from what I had gathered so far. He had been working as a sampler for us but wasn’t a member of our lab he did other stuff like updating maps down the hall. He was excited to be joining the lab. Lauren and I weren’t that excited though. We had become accustomed to being laid back and she worried that he would change the dynamic of everything. But she seemed to get him to fall in line quickly. She revealed to me that Peter used to talk shit about her about taking too long on her runs out in the field.
One day we had to go pick up a couple of work trucks that had needed repairs at the local mechanic. Lauren and Peter and I went to go get them. On the way there Lauren started bringing up Kayla. Kayla, I had heard all about. She was Tammy’s boss, now Harold’s. The head honcho. Lauren despised her. I think Peter was a little wary about talking about the subject with me in the car or something because Lauren looked at Peter and said, “Don’t worry Peter she’s one of the good ones,” talking about me.
This made me feel good. Like I belonged, I was cool and had done something right. I was on the right track. But I had it all wrong. I didn’t care either way about this Kayla lady. From everything I had gathered, she was perfectly nice. I had completely become a robot, a sheep, where was I in all this mess. I was just happy that it wasn’t me that was being talked about for once. Sometimes fear can make you become someone you don’t even recognize.