A Heartspace is a story through my shaky fearful shoes. You will see how I grow into myself and finally find my own worth. Fear and challenges for me were completely immobilizing. I write my story to demonstrate just how gripping fear can be and how powerful it is to start living from something else. If you are one of the lucky ones you can realize how scared you are. I write this story in part to atone for myself and my actions. When all is said and done I can finally raise my own distinct voice in irrevocable power, exaltation, happiness and bliss.
I would find that the easiness of life I found at the beginning would soon wear off. By ricocheting on and off people and multiple failed harmonious relationships I came to realize my lack of self-worth and the amount of fear I carried with me. I was completely unaware of myself and my emotions. I learned the hard way that awareness was key in having self-contentment and acceptance. Sure, but it would have been really nice to realize it before going through, what I think of as, multiple PTSD producing moments.
I grew up in Maine with my parents Marc and Linda and my twin sister Amber. I had a great childhood, lots of skip-its and bop-its and bubbles and kiddie pools, but I think a part of me was always a little scared.
My mom was a waitress down at a local fancy hippie restaurant and my dad was a part time maintenance worker at a federal building about 15 minutes away. We lived in a big old haunted Victorian duplex. Me and my twin sister, Amber, tried using separate rooms for our beds for a while, but then decided that we felt safer sleeping in the same room.
College for me was at the University of Maine. I studied Biology and was overly ambitious. Now, after working in the vicious corporate world for over 5 years, I am recovering with menial side jobs, lots of meditating and fun distracting things like buying my first home with my fiancé, Jay.
I’ve come to truly believe that “getting there”, isn’t a place at all, but a way of feeling. When I started to police my thoughts and feelings I started to dramatically notice things in my life improving. I pulled in resources from where ever I could. Changes happened slowly and very subtlety at first, but then, more rapidly and dramatically. I began to be able to, with such clarity and power, direct my day how I wanted it to go and remain for the most part happy and good in my own skin.
It was immensely gratifying but also terrifying and painful. I had to believe in myself and that brought up all kinds of junk with it. Almost like being attacked by a tiger. At least I had a really awesome story after. I had to be strong. Luckily, I had real help from the spiritual realm to encourage me and comfort me most when I needed it. Along with a good therapist.
It took realization of my fear with dedication and heart for me to finally be happy. I was stuck, most often in despair and not even letting myself feel what was there. It was, and still is, a delicate process for me, built on rest, exercise, mindfulness and healthy eating, along with constant awareness of my emotions.
Now it’s all about balance for me. Spiritually, emotionally and physically. Healthy eating is something I still struggle with on a daily basis, but I always feel better emotionally and mentally for it when I commit to a cleaner diet.
In these pages I will go through my weird and painful experience of life so far and show you how I get to the exhilarating parts. You will see how I stumble through my first and second humiliating experiences with, excuse my language, real b*tches in the workplace. Finally coming to realize with every grain of my body my real worth and rising above.