Big Life Changes

I was going to be going to China for a month long program. It was my first time out of North America and I was going by myself. I applied for a program called Woodenfish and was going to be part of their 2017 Humanistic Buddhist Life Program. I was going to beย  doing tai-chi every morning and getting to meditate three times a day. I quit my steadyย  and good paying job happily and worked a couple of part time jobs until the month long retreat. I had been trying to stay positive for the most part and my angels helped me a great deal with giving me number sequences that made perfect sense. They had told me to stay positive and that they were with me through my changes. They told me that the changes that have occurred had happened to completely align me with my life purpose and soul purpose! Perfect, I thought. Can’t get much better than that!

They keep telling me that if I have considered a spiritually based or heart based career to keep going and that I’ll have everything I need and to consider expanding my heart based venture. They told me that they are working on new opportunities that I can’t yet see and to remain positive and have faith. It felt so good having them with me through some of the life changes I was making. It didn’t feel as scary.

People, including my mom, mostly my mom really, kept saying that I was brave doing everything I was doing, but I didn’t feel that brave because I was being guided in the right direction and I had no doubt. That is a powerful thing. With their insight nothing really felt like a leap of faith.

What felt more like a leap of faith was getting back. Being over there was easy. Meditate, eat what they gave me, not worrying about bills. But getting back I was broke and I had moments where my faith was completely depleted. I went through moments where I questioned why I even went to China. Chocking it up to a waste of money. Seeing the whole experience as negative. As things I did ‘wrong’ while I was over there and I would shame myself for not making enough friends. I’d get down on myself for not staying in touch with the one friend I did make while I was there. Then I’d think that she was only friends with me because she felt bad for me. She was one of my roommates. There was another one of my roommates that I didn’t like at all. My PTSD had forced me to believe that she was a narcissist by the way she was behaving. She had to make sure everyone liked her, made a point to talk to pretty much all of the 100 people in the group and then during any conversation would name drop any of these people that slightly related to the subject of conversation and a conversation she had had with them to make herself seem superior. I hated it, she was so transparent.

She of course became fast fake friends with the one friend that I had there, they were the same age and both went to college in New York. Everyone in the retreat was pretty much college-aged. Their friendship put me in an awkward position. She knew I didn’t like her, even though I would pretend to when Clara was around because I didn’t want to be all alone. One time when I had suggested we played music in our room, the girl that I didn’t like said we should play Fake Love by Kendrick Lamar and sang it at the top of her lungs and I could immediately sense the hatred she had in her energy and felt it was directed towards me. It was all over after that because I was usually on edge around her. I tried not to focus on it though because that wasn’t what I was there for. I hadn’t left the U.S. to obsess over things like that. I had left for an escape. Maybe that’s why I didn’t choose to know a lot of people there because when I do that I tend to obsess over each relationship. Creating up little dramas in my head about where I wasn’t ‘good’ enough and I didn’t want any of that for the month.

Now when I think of China, I unfortunately think of the one little saga that went wrong. I had some dark moments when I got back. Especially recently when I thought I was losing my job. My angels were there for me every step of the way though. Telling me to keep my thoughts heavenward and to let go of material matters and concern and that new energies would be entering my life which would lead to renewed enthusiasm. I believed them and so far they haven’t led me wrong.

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