I read a blog posting not too long ago that said Light-workers have a fear of the responsibility that success brings.


It’s a great read if you recognize yourself as a Light-worker!

He points out that being born into our physical bodies alone, gives us that sense responsibility to live out our purpose, not only to ourselves but to God. In other words, in every minute we are not pursuing our life purpose we aren’t fulfilling our responsibility that we came here to do. Like William James said, “No decision is, in itself, a decision.” I don’t know who William James is but he had it right. If I don’t decide on what I want to do with my life I can just tell myself I haven’t made a decision yet. I’m still figuring it out. Then five or ten years down the road you’ll have to tell yourself,  I’m just going to stay here and work at this place that I hate because I do really want to have kids and by the time I didn’t make a decision it’s time to have them.. Just circumstances.  Insert eye roll emoji here!

So, I have a responsibility right now. Right this very minute. How can I stand for my truth? What is the way?

I believe in integrity. Why don’t as many people as you would seem to think to have it, have it anymore? How do I bring integrity back into the world? Honesty and truth of purpose? Why don’t people seem to have it anymore? How do I bring righteousness back into the world? Back into myself? Why do I feel I must? That must be my purpose.

There was a day once where I felt the most like a victim I ever had before, but the same day I also felt the most in control of my life than I ever had before too.  You would think that these would be unlikely counterparts on the very same day. But that’s how it was.

I had had two jobs out of college. One at a bakery and one at a lab, which you can read about under the ‘My Story’ section. I had gone to school for biology so I was grateful to finally find a job in a science related field. I felt I was accomplished and I could at least tell people I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. No one would think twice that I was second-guessing my purpose or my life’s natural path. I could be happy and figure out my life behind the scenes while being unbothered by people around me. This was good. I made friends at the lab. But I am unsure if it was because I molded into their beliefs and likes and dislikes or because I was genuinely loved. I think it was a little bit of both. I made connections with some people that no one else liked there too. If nothing else, I know that was real. I think that’s why connection is important because it’s something you can hold onto it’s something that is real in a world full of un-real.

It’s hard living in a world where people don’t really care about other people’s feelings. I’m sad that we live in this world. A world where other people’s feelings are used for their own self-interests. Climbing the social ladder. I have to say, I have been guilty of this when I was younger. And I say younger but it was like a year and a half ago.

I realized what I was doing, following the crowd and stomping on others to make sure I remained in the crowd. I was appeasing this one specific person, catering her queen bee status. I am ashamed to admit that I used to value my self-worth and my own voice so low. And I say stomping on others, but I never really did anything that radical. I was mostly just agreeing with the trash-talk, but definitely not using my voice.

I see the good in people to a fault sometimes. Even when I know it feels wrong to believe in them so much. What I’m trying to say is that it sucks to live in a world where people are so cut throat and excluding.  But what I’ve never done is really felt it. I came across it in a weird way.

I was doing Emotional Freedom Tapping today because I was feeling stressed. This is a technique I learned in therapy to get me into my body and out of my head. You basically start it with a statement like Even thought I feel scared about [fill in the blank] I totally love and accept myself anyways, or I’m starting to love and accept myself.

So I was feeling stressed so I have learned that usually fear and sadness are the real emotions culprits behind stress. So I started out with my tapping with simple things that I knew I was scared about. I’m scared I eat to make myself feel better, tapping the first acupuncture point on the top of my head. Next tapping point, above my eyebrow, I’m scared I get so stressed and don’t know how to feel better. Then like always with tapping so many things started to come up and out of me that surprised me.

All of a sudden in my midst of sobbing about things that I was scared and sad about I wailed about how I was so sad that we live in a world where people are cruel to each other. And I wasn’t even talking about people who are cruel to each other in awful ways. Just people who are cruel to each other with things like gossiping. I had never really felt it in this kind of deep spiritual way that I think was really very necessary. I realized I was carrying a huge amount of pain around it. I felt an enormous relief just admitting to myself how sad it really made me. Before maybe I would think the thought, (that it sucks) but then it would be followed by a thought like, Its not that bad or don’t feel bad for yourself. I hadn’t allowed myself to feel how I actually felt about it. I was bringing all that grief to light. I was accepting my circumstances.

I had my TV on mute during my tapping because I wanted to get some of this stuff out. After I was done I opened my eyes and saw Vinny from The Jersey Shore. Re-runs were on. I have always loved Vinny. He was my very favorite on the show. I think he has a good heart. I then started thinking about what this world had done to him, or more correctly how he has chosen to react to the world. It has probably been in some ways that weren’t so true to himself. The world has told him he needs to have the hottest girl to feel okay about himself (so he rejected Snooki!) It has told him he needs to make fun of people here and there to withhold a good standing within the group, so he did. And so on.

All that really lies underneath these kinds of faults in reaction, are good hearts and souls. This is true across the board. And yes that makes me that we live in a world where people have to do this. It’s exhausting. And its exhausting to clear away these artificial layers of self off of people to see them as they truly are. Genuine, soft, excitable, true, honest & valid souls. It’s always worth it.

I have much more that I have already written that I want to post. I feel very self-conscious because all I have talked about so far is how I wish there was more integrity in the world and Vinny from Jersey Shore. Stay tuned, I so look forward to reading comments and starting conversations about cool REAL things. Much love. Nicole.



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